This year’s Christmas has had a different spin on it than any other year for me.
I’ve learned to appreciate the smaller things in life. I’ve learned that it’s not about the perfect gift or the extravagant decorations or how many holiday celebrations you can squeeze into a limited amount of time.
Less is more. That’s what I enjoyed this year.
This brings me to the next big lesson I learned. My grandmother—I call her Nanny—has dementia. Each day is a new lesson to be learned from Nanny. You just never know what she is going to point out, what she notices or even what she will remember. So I’ve made a list of lessons that Nanny has taught me this Christmas.
Remember, if your loved one is in a certain stage of dementia, that doesn’t change just because you have put up a Christmas tree or have explained that it’s Christmas. She is still going to get upset over going out to eat in a bustling restaurant just as easily now as she did a month ago. Now is the time to keep things peaceful and at ease for her. Order take-out from her favorite restaurant and share it with her at home.
If the children and grandchildren have been “stuck” at a certain age in her mind, chances are she still thinks they are that age now. So enjoy the spirit of Christmas on the level where she is now. Whether she loves the singing snowman or a photo frame with Bugs Bunny on it, give it to her. She isn’t going to remember the gifts tomorrow anyway. So share that moment of pure laughter and joy with her. My nanny loves the singing figures. This year she got a singing sock monkey, and she laughed with pure joy and happiness for that brief time. Sure, she’ll have a warm nightgown, new slippers and socks, but, ultimately, I want to see that light in her eye.
We are a society of blended families and fragmented schedules. The most important thing you can do as a family is come together and be united in time with your loved one. Let me tell you a story: One part of my family went to the assisted living facility to visit with Nanny on the morning of Christmas Eve. That same afternoon the rest of the family showed up to spend Christmas with Nanny. The problem was that Nanny opened presents that morning and thought Christmas was already over. So she had already taken down her tree and begun to unpack her kitchen dishes and to stack them on the counter as if she was cleaning up following the big meal she had hosted for the last 40 years at her house.
My mom became distraught and didn’t understand when she walked in to see a bare tree and a confused mother who wasn’t ready to open presents. Sometimes you have to put away the family dynamics which come into play the rest of the year; sometimes you have to do the right thing for your loved one.
When you plan a visit, remember you are on your loved one’s schedule and are operating under her rules of reality. One of the most difficult times for a loved one with dementia is when family members leave all at once after a joyful visit. Now she has old memories running around in her mind, strange decorations surrounding her, and she doesn’t understand why she’s not at home with her husband from 20 years ago.
Don’t leave her in a sudden shocking manner. I always encourage my mom to visit Nanny one hour before lunch or supper. This way, she can help Nanny prepare for the meal, can walk with her to the dining room, and can leave her surrounded by her table mates and the workers who are familiar to her. By the time she finishes her meal, she has forgotten that she had a visitor and she is settled happily back into the routine.
Jennifer Peay
Regional Marketing Director Agape Senior Piedmont
Agape Senior Assisted Living of Rock Hill provides senior-focused solutions. In working with seniors and their families, the dedicated staff works diligently to optimize quality of life by embracing individuality and preserving dignity. Rock Hill, Fort Mill, York, Tega Cay, Lake Wyle – Call us 803-207-8000
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